In the middle of nowhere

I really am having troubles right now on knowing where to go. Just like all the newly graduated, newly licensed nurses (even those who were from the July 2011 nursing boards like me), I don't know what my next step is.

I have been dreaming of being a doctor since I was a child. I even studied hard and attained good grades during my pre-school days and grade school days. I even prayed to Him and asked for a sign (this is where my "sign asking" started) if I was deserving to be on the medical field. He answered my prayer with a YES, by fulfilling my sign to put me in the medical science section (i studied at san beda alabang and way back then, they had this career tracking scheme going and we had elective subjects according to our career section). I studied hard though I may not be the top of our batch, I know I did good and good it was. I showed my family that I really wanted to go into the medical field. So entering college my mother forced me to take up nursing instead of the usual pre-med course that is biology. And not just that, she also forced me to study at makati med which was my "last priority school" Though her reasons were right and yes, I have no authority to say no. I studied hard and even struggled to walk in the same hospital where my grandma had her last breath every duty of my nursing life. It was a challenge for me not to show obvious emotions whenever I pass by the old ICU wing. The day has come and I graduated, with even a bonus PERFECT ATTENDANCE award (kahit mababaw lang kumpira sa award ng iba kong mga kaibigan, alam ko pinag-hirapan ko din yun) The really judgement day came, NURSING BOARDS. I know I should do my BESTEST since it would be a joke for me to go into medicine when I even did not pass NURSING. It was another challenge for me since a month before the exam was my cousins' vacation and that the last day of the exam was their flight (swerte ko lang at gabi flight nila) After all the months of waiting and my pagbabawi Indonesia trip (just the afternoon after our return flight) the exam results were out. And thank God for all the encouragement & inspiration I had and my pagprepressure sa sarili during those periods, I passed and even got a fairly high percentage.

Now I am only FEWER STEPS TO MY DREAM, suddenly another challenge... just before I graduated my mom got laid off from her work. And of course finances went down. I told my mom I still want to go to med school, she would always say "YES" or nod her head, but there would always be that "after-look" of a OH NO. Though my uncle (my mom's brother who never married, who i treat as my father) said he would help in funding my schooling, I still have that second thought of not splurging into it.

Opportunities also came into my way and made me think twice, and even made me into asking for another sign. First, Makati med opened hiring for our batch. I then asked my mom if she wanted me to try my chance. And obviously she said YES with a smile on her enlightened face. So I passed my resume & prayed "Lord, I know I have asked you for so many things already, and here I am again. I just want a sign, Lord. If they call me before I enroll to med school, then it is your will for me to be a nurse. And if not, Lord, just help me get through med school." Then the second opportunity came. Red Cross Muntinlupa were asking their volunteers who wants to have training as instructors. I joined in and luckily had the prestige of being trained. Now, were getting into the practicum phase. And it's quite hard for me to balance getting into med school and this, though I know I can and I will surpass. But then just this Tuesday my mom told me "Kailan mo balak mag-aral? Sa Sunday na exam mo ah." I was shocked, it was the first time she spoke and kind-of encouraged me to get into med school. I pleaded if i could have my last sit-in. We had a petty quarrel with her closing dialogue, "Ikaw bahala. Sana lang i-prioritize mo din yung exam mo." And again I was shocked, it was my first time to be questioned about prioritization. The next day she woke me up and told me to get dressed for my sit-in. So I had my last sit-in. Then just now I had a text from my fellow volunteer that we have a meeting by 4pm. I asked my dad if I could go, he responded with his sarcastic voice "eh may exam ka bukas, di ba?" I explained that it was today not tomorrow, we just had a petty quarrel and I told him, "eh di naman na pumapasok tong mga to sa utak ko eh." he told me, "Gusto lang namin magpahinga ka. Hindi ka naman namin pinapaaral eh... Kasi di ba may mga bracket din yun kung hanggang saan lang kukunin nila." (in my mind, yung totoo pahinga o pinapaaral niyo ako? sa sinabi mong bracket blah blah pinapaaral niyo ako eh)

I have no doubts in being able to study well, I love studying and understanding things. I love reading (and you would nod especially if you already saw my room and saw me during my free time ALONE moments) Though these past few days while forced into reviewing for the plm-mcat, I keep on stopping and wondering if this is what I really want to do, if these topics are the topics I want to dig deeper into for the next 3-5 years. I stop and burst into tears just wondering of the answer. Then I return reading my favorite subjects on the reviewer ANATOMY & PHYSIOLOGY, PSYCHOLOGY, CELL BIOLOGY, GENETICS. Though not like biology majors and other majors nursing just touched some of these subjects but thanks to my electives in high school I learned to love them.


A friend once told me that what I was doing is somewhat scary since I don't know what path I might take in the next 3-5 years or so. But I know whatever happens, wherever He takes me, I know I am always safe. That's why whichever profession I take, I know He would always lead me to where I belong, and guide me to help, care and hopeful alleviate suffering and cure the people I would encounter.