I don't reply to you or even marked you as seen cause you did that to me too...
But the main reason is...
Don't feel as if you're not special... Coz believe me you are the most special person to me right now...
...and besides I love it that you're the reason why my messenger icon has one notification.
Currently these are my thoughts right now. I wanted to let you know, but I'm just too scared to feel rejected, to feel unloved. The song "Afraid for love to fade" by Jose Mari Chan (revived by Christian Bautista) always comes to my mind,
I'm just afraid for love to fade before it can come true. I know you always tell me that true love means loving someone despite the it not being reciprocated, but aren't you tired of all these? You know money... you play stocks... So you know that not having return just hurts you back but yes that's the gamble you give when you want more in return. But the question is... If you've been hurt a million times would you be cautious not to give in and invest in another one that would eventually possibly fail? I searched my entire life for that special thing they called LOVE, but for my 26 years of existence I never felt it back. I was always the giver but never the reciever.
I sometimes wonder is there anything wrong with me, is there something more cruel than this. I even feel ashamed of myself whenever I see someone less successful (in terms of career), less beautiful (i know I'm just average and I never felt beautiful except in edited pictures), more bigger (yeah I know people tell me girl "it's your weight!" but I doubt it I had perfectly NORMAL BMI when I was in High School but never had a suitor) girl than me has this sweet guy where she could wrap around her arms around anytime she wishes to. Older folks told me, you're still young he's just out there, WAIT! I know... If I want a perfect story to unfold, I should patiently wait for him. But see people my age have been at least once tried to be suitored by someone, but no one has ever showed me being a gentleman, cause most of you think I am a gentleman as well. Haha... Even calling me Pare or Brad. But hey I bet you know for sure I am not and I bet you first also thought I was. That's when I realize I should stop using that stupid calling to you so that you'll remember I am a girl (well if I still don't qualify to be a lady) who can also be loved.
You know the matter with me is that, I always tend to "like" a person when I loose that communication. I don't know if it's just missing the conversations or maybe perhaps I fell for you during those short talks when your eyes were focused on me that as our eyes meet I eventually look away, cause I felt my heart melt. I honestly can't talk to people looking in the eye for long. It's true (now my red cross-ss fambam will kill me) I tend to look at other parts of a person's face rather so that I can continue my talking. But as I look into those cheeks, it makes me want to seal a kiss on it. I look at your lips as you talk I just wonder more how it tastes. As I look at your face I really just melt away. You're not that prince that every girl has been dreaming of (and even maybe me) but you're more worth it than a prince who would never sit down and listen to me for hours (minutes lang kaya nun eh) You know my dreamy fantasies of a prince, you know only your height suits his (I even dreamt of you being mistaken as him by another fan) but still I find you more better than him. You're humor is way better and my grumpy, high blood, moody self would always wonder what life would it be if I have someone like you who would easily calm me down when I'm about to explode by just one joke. I wonder if my ill-temper would disappear since you'll be there to tell me face to face that i have been reacting too much.
I know you know I once loves someone as well as I know you loved someone too much. I'm not sure if you know that my recent love story was just an dellusion (meaning may trigger wala lang talaga yung actual) I created in my head, or maybe there was really a thing but he never felt the need to flex it out and give ours a shot (sabi sa'yo dellusion eh! Till now?!) Well I'd rather believe the latter. But I just want you to know, it's not just you who's been through rough times. It's not just you who've been afraid all this time to fall back again and loose the game. I felt our connection, but I know I am afraid to risk it all up for you to know that I want you as someone to be beside me. Just beside me, all the time. I don't need a person to give me my physical needs, I don't need a person to give me his bank account, I don't need a person to give me words of wisdom (though I know you're just full of this).
All I need is someone I can run to when I feel weak, when I feel that I have no one else I could run to, when I just need a person who would listen to me. I got God, my family and friends to do the rest, but I feel there's always a gap. I think it fits you.
I don't know if you'll be able to read this or not. But I just need to let this all out. Who knows maybe someday like my past blogs reading this would be putting my face inside a paperbag with holes so that no one could ever see me. Or maybe I might find myself re-reading this while I am lying in bed in a fine Sunday morning laughing at myself with someone else's arms as my pillow. Or maybe I might be reading this 3-5yrs from now with you by my side laughing along side me and kissing my head and rubbing it for a job well done cause you fell for this post.
I'm leaving this here... Just for me to read it in the future.
